tbh about 80% of the time I have sex with Hannah I go down on her first.
Just seems to be more fun for us both that way.
The Official Girl Help/Issue/Talk Thread 2: Re-Entry
Turns out I'm just another shitty EdgeBro On phone now, but will elaborate later Mfw my life was a lie EDIT: Why can't I ever put like paragraph breaks on mobile? It always just bunches it together no matter how many times I press "enter"
Oh shit, are we about to get a followup heartbreak story from that last one that ended so sweet? :(
It's SO weird dude
(I'm not sure what it'll be yet, but I anticipate a wall of text below)
Alright so when she was over last, what, Thursday I said I'd see her again on Wednesday because that was her next day off right? Okay. So Monday comes around and she had to work 11pm-7am. But we were texting periodically throughout the day, and she mentioned that she could just come over for a few hours before work. So I could get off work, get home and shower by like 6:30pm and she'd chill till 10pm or something before getting ready and going to work. Great idea!
She comes over, we chill for a bit and then we go to my room and are on each other. We spend a *lot* of time kissing (generally, at least in the last couple hang outs) and then I'm completely naked and she's got bra+panties. I'm kissing her and she pulls away and I ask if everything is cool. She says, "Yea, like...I really want to have sex with you right now but...I also don't feel like it." So I was kinda confused, asked her what she meant and she just repeated, "You know, I kind of just don't feel like it. You know what I mean?" So I figured it could've been a number of things (period just started? Maybe her anxiety kicked in and she can't focus or lost arousal? Simply not in the mood?) but I wasn't going to sit there and grill her about it. She then said she felt like she should leave. I told her that wasn't necessary, but she then said, "Well, isn't that kind of the whole point of me coming over?" I told her, "No, not really. I mean kind of, in that we both knew we probably would, but that's totally not *the* reason. We can chill, it's cool, really."
She says that she'll just come back Wednesday. No biggie, she didn't get all weird otherwise and her body language didn't change too much. I kiss her goodbye, jokingly say, "Tomorrow?" and she kisses me one more time and says, "Wednesday," then smiles before leaving. I text her after she leaves, nothing. I text her Tuesday morning, nothing. Text her Tuesday night, nothing. Text her Wednesday morning trying to coordinate when she'd come over, nothing. Last thing I did was when I got home around 6pm, I let her know that I was home. Also said I didn't want to blow up her phone, so that I'd just leave it to her at this point to hit me up when she wanted to get together. Mentioned that I wanted to see her again, and I hoped it would be that night like we planned. Nothing.
But during this time, she's still active on social media. Posts snap stories and FB updates. There was literally NO incident. Hell, even on the weekend she told me that she was worried SHE might've done something wrong (even prefaced with her not wanting to sound clingy) because she felt like I was a little aloof at times (but that's because I admittedly sometimes get too weird about the "You can't text x amount before a reply otherwise you're annoying" so maybe it felt like I didn't initiate conversations enough?). I reassured her and she thanked me for making her feel better. She was often vocal about how attracted to me she was, asked me a million questions and seemed genuinely interested in my point of views, we had many multi hour conversations etc. I can make *zero* sense of it.
I figured out that I liked her though (first for everything I guess) because of how I reacted. My brain doesn't communicate with my body really when it comes to emotional responses, so I can experience emotions, but only if I consciously observe my physical responses and attribute what I feel physically to what I believe is causing it. So for example I could be outside waiting for my performance review at work. Completely clear headed, I notice my hands are shaking. I have to think, "Okay, hands are shaking. I guess I am in a high pressure situation, I'm probably nervous. Okay yes, I am nervous." It can get exhausting to be doing that constantly all day, which is how sometimes when I lose my motivation to do it, everything becomes completely gray because I basically stop "feeling" because I stop trying to figure it out. Then you see my post all depressed and shitty like I have done when I'm in those periods rofl.
But back to my reaction. When I saw her make an unrelated FB update on Wednesday night at 11:30 or whatever, I got so hot (in the literal sense) I fucking involuntarily jumped up, ripped off my shirt and sprinted out onto my balcony. Never experienced that before and it was pretty confusing at first. I couldn't get comfortable, I was getting hot flashes and my skin was crawling. I just thought, "What the fuck is happening to me right now," so I guess that's what it's like to be hurt LOL. Also just felt nauseous hardcore continuously.
You remember how with those old tube TVs, if you played Lockout 1v1s for 8 hours a day for a year sometimes the image of Lockout would be burned into the screen? Or anything could be burned into it, but how no matter what channel it's on, that image just won't go away and overlays everything? Right now, my mind is the screen and she's fucking burned into it. Doesn't matter what I do or what I try to think about, she's still in front of it. Super odd thing to experience. And I'm not even thinking about sex, or us hanging out, or us cuddling, it's just literally her name and her image repeating. Nausea still hasn't gone away, but I'm not getting super hot randomly as much or unable to sit still. She's burned into my head a little less fiercely now than yesterday. I imagine at the current rate, I'll be over it and back to normal by the middle of next week or so.
Still though, I just don't understand how with the way things had played out up to that point, what it could have POSSIBLY been? Literally nothing happened, and it makes no sense that whatever it was, could've been so much that she'd randomly peace out and stop answering me. Welp. At least I learned a bunch of stuff about myself during this whole thing.
tl;dr: Girl randomly (seriously) ghosts, doesn't respond to anything, maintains activity on social media, actually affects me, learning experience
Yeah, I have no idea what to make of that either.. but I remember you saying before, she has some sort of anxiety or weirdness to her. You might have been able to overcome and deal with it, but apparently she still can't. I'd just write it off as her being a complete weird ass with bad social skills, instead of trying to put puzzle pieces that don't fit together and worrying about what you did wrong. From what it sounds like, you did everything fine. She just sounds a bit off-kilter, and you shouldn't stress yourself out trying to make sense of it. It definitely sucks, but I don't think there's much you could have done better.
Yea I did say that, but just...how can that still be the cause here? We had easy, free flowing conversation for hours at a time, reasonably similar senses of humor, were comfortable being silly/stupid around each other and had great sexual chemistry. So what am I meant to believe? Because the last time we hooked up it was movie-level passionate and we were getting close to fucking again, she realizes she has feelings and gets scared? And completely drops off? I don't think people do that much, do they?
I guess it's just the way my mind works (I just unpack everything, sometimes a little too far) I'm finding it difficult to write it off as something that defies explanation or reason.
Yea I did say that, but just...how can that still be the cause here? We had easy, free flowing conversation for hours at a time, reasonably similar senses of humor, were comfortable being silly/stupid around each other and had great sexual chemistry. So what am I meant to believe? Because the last time we hooked up it was movie-level passionate and we were getting close to fucking again, she realizes she has feelings and gets scared? And completely drops off? I don't think people do that much, do they?
I guess it's just the way my mind works (I just unpack everything, sometimes a little too far) I'm finding it difficult to write it off as something that defies explanation or reason.
I was seeing this girl around Christmas, I didn't know her at all, but we were hanging out with a mutual friend and hit it off. We talked every single day and hung out a few times, went on a few casual dates. Seemed to be going great. One night, we finally started cuddling and being super cute together and made out during a movie we were watching. She left, and I felt smitten, like shit was going awesome. I text her the next day like usual and she didn't respond. She didn't respond to any of my texts for a few days until I said, "Okay, wtf is going on, what did I do?" She just said she was busy, blah blah blah. I played the whole "text her once a day" thing for a week or two. She stopped talking to me almost entirely, and when she did talk to me, she was super short and weird. At that point, I just gave up. Was I pissed and frustrated? You bet ya. I tried to make as much sense of it as I could, but I couldn't make any sense of it. Shit was going so well and just stopped. After a week or two, I just said fuck it and let it go.
Just a few weeks ago, I was hanging out with the mutual friend who hooked us up. We ended up talking about that girl and I explained how confused I was and still am, even trough I let it go months ago. She said, "Okay, I gotta tell you something..." Turns out, the girl I was seeing is involved with her bestfriend and her husband sexually. They have some weird 3-way relationship going on between them. She eventually told me that the girl caught feelings for me but didn't know how to tell me the type of shit she was caught up in, so she just peaced out.
I'm just saying, weird shit happens, man... Even if you think it's going well. Your girl has a lot of weird shit going on in general, obviously. Stop trying to make sense of it and stop trying to figure out what you could have done differently. It was nothing that you did, it was her and whatever the fuck it is she's caught up in. Sometimes you just gotta write people off. It's just not worth the stress, especially when they won't tell you what's causing the hang up to begin with.
Okay I woke up and she'd responded. I had to pace for 2 minutes before I could read it (fuck how pathetic).
She said either she's the worst cynic or I'm a liar in that she doesn't believe I felt anything. She said:
"it's just like.... Ugh you are a lot more experienced then I am and it freaks me out, and being around you.... You're so confident it makes me nervous as hell. I'm sure it's obvious but I'm an extremely anxious person. It's gotten to the point where I'm apprehensive about being around you because it's throwing off our level of compatibility for me. To be honest I was actually just not going to talk to you again; at first I wasn't even gonna reply to THIS but you deserve some type of explanation."
I don't even know what to say. I *so* disagree that the above is a deal breaker. How can you not talk something like that out with me?!? THIS IS SO FIXABLE, LIKE WHAT? All we have to do is talk about it so we can come to an understanding. What, does she not think I was second guessing myself? I've been in one relationship that lasted 4 months, even though I've had more partners than she has, she's easily actually fucked hundreds of more times because mine were all short things.
If she doesn't answer again to my reply, like if she was just throwing one explanation message and that's it, that's gonna be so lame. This was so fixable...
If that's her reasoning, then she's insecure as fuck... Based on what you said, that was expected from her, but you were a pretty accommodating dude. She's basically asking you to be some weird ass awkward beta bitch with her so she feels more comfortable, because what you did before wasn't enough for her to be comfortable.
And as I'm sure you recall from seeing how I progressed in these threads throughout high school and college, I put years of concerted effort into building my confidence and teaching myself to make my moves with certainty even though I might be freaking out in my head. I GET SCARED TOO! I just don't tremble and stutter anymore, but maintain eye contact and move forward steadily.
I'm also very dominant, passionate, and very into body worship, so she could've mistaken that for me being some sexual Fabio or something, I don't know. I mean, I'm super glad I at least KNOW, even if I don't follow the logic.
UGH
I have to respond obv...
Now like, I don't know what to think. I'm clearly wanting to hold onto this pretty tight because someone somehow finally got through to me. But then...okay let's say I word-smith my way back in, then what? Is this the only time this is going to happen? Because if I get her back, then that means she went from being super into me, flip flopping to never going to talk to me (while still liking me?), then getting convinced to come back in a rather short period of time. At this point, I can no longer blame anyone but myself (if I continue to invest and have this happen again) if I can get her to continue because I should know what I'm getting into.
I'll message her back though
She's basically asking you to be some weird ass awkward beta bitch with her so she feels more comfortable, because what you did before wasn't enough for her to be comfortable.
what
or she's just asking you to tone down the contrived make out sessions on car windows because it makes her feel uncomfortable. i say contrived because xyox has said that he isn't super confident in nature, and has had to work on this aspect of himself.
she has been pretty open and genuine with you about her anxiety issues. perhaps she wants you to reciprocate a little, as in, be spontaneous and open about your own neurotic tendencies instead of covering them up with a kind of robotic faux-confidence (which we humans find easy to pick up on btw).
can empathize with your frustration about very compatible relationships that fail because one or both of the people involved aren't willing to communicate. we all want the perfect relationship, yet some of us aren't willing to deal with the anxiety inducing conversations/endure the psychodrama that it takes to get there.
I agree, but I also want to say that I wouldn't call it so contrived (at least not anymore, maybe in the years past I'd be with you). I wasn't confident before, yes, but I've grown and I'm not "pretending" anymore. Totally see what you're saying on reciprocating more and I think you're right that I could volunteer more of that shit about myself. Although it's not that I covered it up or anything, we've talked about it before.
Wrote her a really sincere novel response, she responded with, "Damn, I don't even know what to say," so I told her that she should say that she'd see me again and that I really wanted to see where we could go. She says, "I will definitely see you again."
So I must've said the right things there. Actually hella surprised since she originally said she was planning on just not talking to me again. Assuming we actually see each other again, we'll talk about it, hopefully get on the same page, reach an understanding and get comfortable again.
mfw that's actually the last thing she ever says to me
alright. but if by 'not pretending' you mean you're not 'trembling and stuttering' anymore when you do it, you're missing my point.
women routinely go through the experience of being pursued by men. 'this is the part where he spontaneously [fill in the blank]' hardly inspires butterflies.
anyway - seems like you did gud. gl.
Good luck Xyox. I doubt it will be the last time but as long as she (and you) both communicate it is workable. My boyfriend has never had to deal with anxiety before me and the issues pop up and severely affect our relationship at times but we work on it together. It's worth it. For me it's a condition that's not ever going to go away and anyone that is going to be with me has to be able to "deal" with it as well. You at least know early on what you're headed into. <3
I don't mean that stuff in a snotty way either.
alright. but if by 'not pretending' you mean you're not 'trembling and stuttering' anymore when you do it, you're missing my point.
women routinely go through the experience of being pursued by men. 'this is the part where he spontaneously [fill in the blank]' hardly inspires butterflies.
anyway - seems like you did gud. gl.
Yea I meant that now, it's more than me just working on my acting skills so I can stop my hands shaking (but still social retard in head), but rather I actually have truly become more confident/sure of myself.
Agreed on the 2nd part, but I also want to say (also for Neuro who posted below you) that I only did that twice lol. Totally see what you're saying on how it's like, "Here we go again with *this* move..." and while I don't disagree, just want it known that I don't do that like every 30 minutes or every time we hang out or something. Even if it's something that she likes when it happens or if she responds positively, I'd agree it could still do more harm than good when mixed with reasonable amounts of anxiety. I don't think I'd do it again now, but it'll be one of the things I bring up when (if?) we talk/chill again.
@tk: Yea I totally believe this is workable with communication. It's hard though when her anxiety gets bad enough that she can get to a point where she'll literally never talk to me again randomly rather than bring things up to me. While I'm not willing to completely alter my life, I'm so willing to compromise or work with her however much necessary. Just hope she allows that.
You might be right. But considering this is the first girl I've liked, I do want to continue. But of course who's to say she doesn't just do this again? It'd be retarded to just flip flop back and forth. I'll just go ahead and see if she'll actually show up again, and how that goes will determine everything.
Well I guess I'm not sure, no, but I'm not really sure of a lot right now. There's plenty of people that I haven't been able to have and I've never reacted like this.
I'm not a sadist though lol. If you're referring to my sexual preferences, I'd rather be tied than do the tying anyway. I've just never been with a sexually dominant woman.
So been having some pretty deep talks with my boyfriend this week about all things life and relationship and shit. One of our issues is that he's not very romantic -- I'm very affectionate and communicate my love through words. I've let him known that I want some more of this.
So tonight I was trying to crack some of them that and see what I could get. I asked him why he loves me.... He pauses and says "well.... You let me fart anywhere I want around you and you're cool with that, I like to piss you off to hear you meow, and you're funny. Everything about you is funny."
So romantic. He didn't even realize how weird this sounded until I told him it sounds like I'm dating a 10yo old boy. Good laughs though. I have no idea how to help this fool.