TLDR MV is a Bitch

I'm lost, and I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.


INB4


This is all off the top of my head so I would say "I'll try to keep this brief" as I'm a resident in the nation of canned responses, but this is basically all shit that I want to get off my chest. Most people are going to stop reading here, so that's cool, helps me sleep at night.

I find myself saying it over and over again, cashing out, checking out, moving on, being done with this and that. Just seems I can't do shit right.

Having "battled" Depression on and off for the last...few years because I'm not going to put a number on that, doesn't really seem like much is improving for me. In between the pain medications, anti-depressants and physical therapy, I've grown tired of it. Have really just come to terms with the feeling of constant loathing and disappointment with myself. It'll all be over soon enough.

Every time I take a step of progress, some events transpire to make me fall back down the proverbial ladder or have to put everything on hold just to deal with that ONE event.

I've been injured (nothing broken, thankfully, bunch of bruises and overextended limbs etc) on and off for really close to 2 years now, killing all hopes of me trying to return to Active Duty "anytime soon" (Have been doing a BUNCH of paperwork and other qualifying BS to retain my current "Status" but rather not elaborate further) or do much of anything else to dig me out of the hole I seem to be in.

People tell me to keep my head up and do things to make me happy.
Well, kind of hard to do when every faggot in every fucking direction wants to come along to tell me why they don't like what I'm doing, or doesn't like the specific way that I'm doing it. Or the best that I've encountered, I don't deserve the opportunity. Okay, sure.

Cars (vehicles in general) are just about the only thing I like anymore, the only thing that keeps me busy and the only thing that can keep me going. Unfinished projects are the real reason I haven't just ended my life yet. We can talk about that being the easy way out of my misery and how that would be passing the torch, but fuck that. I can tolerate most of the assholes but the "holier than thou" types seem to be fucking everywhere these days, but still aren't as bad as all the "Gaymurrz" and who the fuck ever else surround just about everything else I used to like (Gaming, Painting/Art, Writing, Music...etc).

Kinda hard to be positive, when I never see anything positive. See and hear bad news everywhere. "You've got to want to be happy"
I've stopped caring about most stuff on the global scale, I'm one man (most wouldn't even dare to call me that...), what can I REALLY do to change anything going on in this fucked up world? A good week for me is when I don't get news of a family member passing or another friend I served with getting KIA. Bills got paid and I'm alive for another week (pending some medical evaluation for other issues), cool.

 Another plane went down? Well that sucks, I didn't know anyone on it. Another shooting? Condolences to the family, bury the body(ies) and be done, don't trivialize any person's death over three weeks of "news" coverage. Bruce Jenner got a sex change? Cool, whatever, let them be them. The list can go on, and I don't want to sound [even more] insensitive but there's just too much bullshit in day to day life that has no bearing or actual effect on my own(or anyone else's, for that matter) life.

I'm not looking for sympathy or insight, not much is going to help me at this point. All the people I did go to for help are dead. I was finally able to realize that no amount of tears or alcohol is going to bring them back. The few left are dealing with their own problems, and I'm not going to be some selfish asshole to make them set aside their shit just to deal with me - Have been trying to help them through their own rough spots.

So I guess I say fuck it and peace out like I always do. Keep on moving on however the hell I have been these last few arduous years. It helps to try to keep a good perspective, I feel like a bitch because I know there are those who have it far worse.

There's a few other things that I'd touch on, but with everything included, who's really going to care? I'd be shocked if anyone actually read through the whole thing. I'm gaining nothing by doing this, just letting go of a few things that I don't know how long I've held them in for.

- MV / CaptainSmartAss

as youre not looking for sympathy or insight i guess ill just say i read it all.

Feel free to speak your mind or wax some knowledge on this dumbass nigga, I'm just not throwing that out there to seem like a "sob story" just to link to a gofundme or the fuck ever. I have no ulterior motives for this. I'm gaining nothing (but maybe a clear mind) by doing it.

 

Heh, post 69 on the new place.

Hm, well Ive been trying to find the appreciation for/morbid pleasure and humor in the whole knocked down getting back up thing.

You could try a sensory depravation tank, if youre gonna be in your head all the time might as well do it effectively.

other than that my mind is saying I should go to bed as its almost 2 AM and I gotta get up in 4, so Ill just wish you all the best. 

MV, you are not a piece of shit. You are not a bitch, but yes there are those who, relatively speaking, have it far worse. Who gives a fuck what other people think (I realize the irony of another person telling you this)? Trust me, you are not the only one who doesn't really care about the "world scale" shit. It's hard to unless you have your shit fully together, and that's quite the rarity. 

My question is, what do you mean by "It'll all be over soon enough"?

If you're thinking about suicide, I hope that you decide against it.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255

This is a pretty stupid story, but a homeless guy gave me a box of pizza a couple months ago purely out of kindness. He literally would not take no for an answer. I still have the empty box in my kitchen on top of my fridge (srs). It reminded me that there are people far worse off than I, yet they do not complain and even manage to find ways to help others and make their day. I don't know you nor your situation, but if that homeless guy can "keep on keeping on," all the while making other people smile than why not you? I guess what I'm saying is that you just have to search for meaning in the little parts of life to keep you going. Best of luck to you.

Sure life isn't all rainbows and sunshines but you've got to remember no one in this world is perfect we've all got our flaws and weaknesses but we also got our strengths. I may not know you as well as others do but don't give up on yourself that easily. You are not weak, from the things you've mentioned in your post you've dealt with a lot of hardships and struggles in life, if it's physically or mentally. You are a strong individual don't let the negative thoughts and vibes consume you because that will be your downfall. Negativity and negative vibes will only bring you unnecessary stress that you don't need at all. Stay strong, dust your shoulders off with your head held high and continue moving forward in life striving for your goals, aspirations and success. Best of luck to you and best of wishes.

"Don’t let someone who doesn’t know your value tell you how much you’re worth."-Unknown

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light."-Aristotle 

It takes a man to share his feelings. I hope your outlook improves and that you welcome the possibility of it improving.

<3

I don't even know you man, I've never come across your name on here.

But just the fact that you're on The Halo Forum gives us a tiny percentage of things in common. It means you're someone who shares an interest (and probably many others, I like cars too) with me. Don't be a stranger, appreciate the little things :)

" Another plane went down? Well that sucks, I didn't know anyone on it. Another shooting? Condolences to the family, bury the body(ies) and be done, don't trivialize any person's death over three weeks of "news" coverage. Bruce Jenner got a sex change? Cool, whatever, let them be them. The list can go on, and I don't want to sound [even more] insensitive but there's just too much bullshit in day to day life that has no bearing or actual effect on my own(or anyone else's, for that matter) life."

I mean there really is no reason you should feel anything from any of these stories. We live in an information age where you're constantly being thrown things that you should suddenly care about. The media is full of sob stories, criminals, and negativity, it's this way for everyone. I don't even browse Reddit or any of that shit anymore because it's just a ton of horrible news everytime and it makes me forget about all the positive things that go on around me. Now that I've graduated I'm spending this next year working on my porfolio and travelling around Colo,Arkansas, Missouri and the Dakotas to start appreciating shit more. This all may sound like hippie bullshit but being out in nature and seeing things bigger than myself and beyond comprehension have given my life a new spark. 

My best advice for you is to get some perspective. Why won't you just get up and move to a different state? Several of my friends have done it. Two went to work on organic farms in hawaii and my other friends are ski bums. They are all very happy individuals because they are doing what they want to do and aren't judging their happiness by their possessions or the successes of their peers.  At very least you can stop getting on the internet/phone/etc and go camping for a couple days and you'll appreciate things a lot more in my opinion. You can shoo away this advice, but don't give up until you atleast give it a try. There are literally limitless opportunities, this world is full of fucking crazy possibilities. If you want, you could even  do odd jobs around the nation and travel for a living. My grandpa lived in tents in Yosemite and made candles to trade for food.

I personally think a lot of your depression stems from things in your envioronment. Change that environment and see where it takes you. 

Good luck man, hope things get better for you and you can find a way to be happy.

 

I'd neg you for old time's sake if I could

It helps to try to keep a good perspective, I feel like a bitch because I know there are those who have it far worse.

Tell me about it. Nobody joins my customs.  Or lets me play in theirs.

(with the occasional, grateful exception of Phurion unless he's 1v1'ing/matchmaking--I'm his perfect montagebait bitch. wink)

But hey, letting the shit out is actually good.  There's always somebody out there willing to listen. I mean, psychological therapy is good, but I know you said you were sick of it. Just talking to yourself, or someone/thing who won't judge, that's surprisingly really helpful.

I know it's stupid, but I talk to my dog all the time. First off, whenever I have a bad day, just walking through the door cheers me up when he runs up to me all happy to see me and shit. But I'll just lay with him on the floor or in my bed or even reach out with my foot while I'm at the computer, just pet him and yap about my day. None of that "Here's what I'm doing wrong" bullshit, no criticisms, no nothing. He just stares and responds to my pets. Or he crawls all over me and lays down like the asshole he is. But every single time, by the time I finish, I feel a lot better.

I'm sorry to hear about your friends and supporters passing away, but you'll have new friends. Friends here!

So yeah, let it out whenever you can. It'll help ease your burden and keep you in control.

Now someone fucking invite me to customs.